Fake smiles.

How ironic this is, when I'm the only guy who's always around for those who I cared for, to only realise there's none when I needed just someone.

Everyone around me thinks I'm the joker, I'm always funny and would never take things seriously. But as days goes by, they become numb, so numb to the fact that I'm only human. They thought I have no feelings at all, and everyone thinks I'm always happy, someone who will never have a unique set of problems to himself.

Please let me remind you just one last time, but I'm only human.

I was never the preferred kid, home is just a place for me to sleep at night and eat for free. For everything I do its always wrong, for everything else my older sister does, it's always right. I come home to only hear fights and quarrels. I don't blame for my parents for the biased system, it's only despondent to believe humans are never biased, so I've instead blame my older sister for not being mature despite her age. I'm not someone who always get what I want. I have to beg for a desktop for six years before my mum decide to build one instead of buying those branded ones, and it's all because my sister can't stand my nagging anymore that she request my mum for one. Yes, my sister again. I'll probably never get what I wanted if she shuts the fuck up that time round. Still, I don't thank her for that. I work months for my first laptop for Polytechnic life, to only come home getting scolded by my parents for wasting money. They demand for me to pay them back with all that I've earned. Of course, I don't give a shit about it.

I was never the kid who had all the flashy clothes and branded stuffs. Going out was never fun because I don't usually have the right clothes to wear. I don't club, don't drink, don't walk the streets then claims that I've got life. I stayed home, procrastinate and think about what's life in the other side. I was never the apple of anyone's eye.
I'm never blunt, I'm always afraid how people will react when you show them the hard truth. I prefer making my words easier to digest. In turns, I'm always caught in between fights and stuffs, making myself one of the reason for whatever that is happening when I'm always the innocent one. Supposed to be the innocent one.

My first love was a screwed up. But I never blamed myself for what I've done because nobody taught me what to do when it comes to love. Similarly I don't blame her. I truly agree it's about the experience you learnt from your falls. I thought giving my everything was compulsory.  I gave her my whole life. I thought time is what that either make or break us. I gave her all my time. I thought giving in will always do good. I tried playing the nice guy I never was. But everything changed because of one simple event. I have holes in my lungs. I never knew how to tell her, she was having her exams. I chose to wait for her to be at least free from her mind first. But I subconsciously demanded more time from her because I was afraid, and that built on her stress. Eventually, she went with someone else before I could break the truth. She was happy knowing there's someone else who love her. I was here wondering what have I done, in tears. She's enjoying the warmth of a new love, I replay the scene when we broke up every night before I sleep. She proudly introduce the new boy to everyone, I ask myself what have I done wrong I was only thinking for her all the time. I tried closing my eyes to sleep without a single thoughts of her, but the fact that they already knew each other before we break reminds me I'm such a loser. I gave up all my friends just for her, she gave me up for her new world. She said I was never the right one. But she didn't know she was my right one. Everything about her becomes a nightmare. I found myself gluing my eyes at her place everything I go pass the same street, with that bridge but she's already out of reach. It's been a year, going two, but everything about her still stays in my mind, knowing we are over is the sad hard truth. Her number, her smile,  her address, her eyes, her birthday date, the first time we met, the chase for her, the way she plays serious badminton, the nights she burnt to study, the date we got together, her birthday celebration, the first month she woke up late for, the cards she wrote, the way she calls me, those phone calls, those texts, the way she yearn for your attention, the way she concentrate when doing her work, the days she just wanted to be alone, her dreams, her wish of going MIA for a while to just take photos all around the world, how much she want to fly oversea, her lips, her hugs when we finally met after a week of distance, and of course, her face when she say we are over, her eyes when she blames that my presence always bring bad things to her. Tonight I'll try to fall asleep without thinking of her, but the scene when she close her gate saying let's break will only replay like a broken recorder.

Friends around me are all busy with their life, I understand that for when we grow old, we path the path and take the road to where we want. I cherish this one group of friends who we have been through thick and thin. They are the guys who stand by my down, these are the guys I would take a bullet for. But everyone is so busy with their life no one seems to realise I need ears at times too. I tried so hard trying to connect myself to them, but I guess it's only late that I've realise we are of different medium. I don't understand why I felt stress around them. It totally defeat the meaning of friends. Maybe I've think too much, but friends, seriously nobody cares about me, or what's going on with me. I'm like your daily joke, you guys always think I'm cool, I'm like your safely net that you guys always dissed at. Honestly, I'm human too. I just don't like conflicts, I chose to keep quiet most of the time. So what if I voice out? The same shit will happen again sooner or later. If we are indeed of different medium then I'm sorry, but friends trust me when I say I'll take a bullet for each and every one of you.

I've got so much things in me but I have nowhere to share or to even throw, because everyone thinks I'm the one guy with no problems. So tonight, I wrote them all down to ease the pain, unchained this train of brainy stain, and how I wish I can end my life down, flushing everything down the fucking drain.
Goodnight world