Fake smiles.

#0330 Keep your head held high, heaven's easier and better to see that way.

I bet everyone have that one rich love experience that's different from one another. You know, those days you spent chasing after someone tike really like, getting into your first love, first breakup, and of course, the subsequently relationships. Feeling rather talkative about this, allow myself to share mine.

At times I do wonder, why does things have to be like this all the time. Honestly speaking, I'm a little tired taking the toll from love. It's like, every time when my heart decided to like someone truly, which simply means it's kick-ass real shit, not just another infatuation, the way things are always sucks, it goes the same way when things end. I mean, I don't easily drop into the infatuation zone anyway. It's not like I'm going around hunting for love with a shotgun or what, firing at will, hoping for an easy prey. But still, every single time, I'll just drop into the pit of death, often finding myself liking problematic girls, or someone who you just feel impossible to be with.

Still remembering the first girl I liked back in primary school, it was a heavy stretch of six years. Holy shit, six fucking years liking someone who don't even know it would recognize my existence. Of course, I was friendzoned. But still, that girl back then was like the idol for myself. Beautiful, even till now, mature, smart and a cheerful smile you can't easily find, she was the first girl in Earth I'll stare for days without getting bored, or extremely, blink. Maybe because I have a thing for smart girls, where actually smart does not means academically wise though, she's was the one who first gave me that feeling of liking someone genuinely. She was one of the popular kids in school,while I was just another fatboy, with little friends, it was a total one sided kind of shit. Many chose their secondary school for its reputation or cut off points while me, I chose what she would. I still remembered we were pen pal for a few months and I swear it was sweet.

So practically for my primary school period, I spent the whole lot time of it liking just one girl. Devoted yeah? Oops.

Came along secondary school, saying goodbye to my first crush was hard, not till I met the next one, which sadly, I liked for another six more years. She was cute, and definitely smart. Big eyes, cute face and a sweet voice, she's like that perfect girl I must have a crush on. But like how it usually goes for myself, its practically an one sided kind of crush, yes I know, again. Thinking back from now, she was by far the hardest to forget, probably because the liking was the strongest. I mean, yeah I liked her so much I did lots of stupid stuffs. My life was revolving around her, just her. Although she changed quite a number of boyfriends during this long course of six years, my decision did not change a single bit. Knowing that I liked her, we became more like friends than anything else. Yeah, I swear she was the hardest to forget, or to at least learn to give up.

Another six years, bringing to my polytechnic life.

Started working for quite some time back while studying in Republic Polytechnic, I found myself working the longest at Night Safari, where I met my first love. We wasn't really close friends, but things started building it's way, with a little help from my friend, I was the happiest man on Earth when she said yes to going steady with me We had a lot of problems at the start, but I bet it was sweet, at least for me. But still, we broke up, mostly because of my fault. I was too controlling, I didn't gave her enough space to even breath. I was an ass, always quarreling with her. Though she already found another guy while still being with me, hiding it from me, I don't blame her for that. I blame myself for being too naive to had love her too much till I was blind. Breaking up just days before my birthday, getting into a new relationship not long later was the best wake up call I can get. For those who been through the same thing, I bet and agree that heartbreak was by far the worst. It's like your world getting split apart. We ain't supposed to be together, it was a completely waste of my time and I bet she felt the same. Nevertheless, she was the first girl I gave my whole heart and soul to. I gave up smoking for her, I lost all my friends in the mist of being with her. Still, yes, I love her, for what we had, not those of I still miss her or what.

A few months later, which bring us to now, I've met the current one that I like. I thought I would never feel this way in a long time to come. Again, it's another smart woman.

She drives, she play pool and play it excellently. She's motivated to conquer things not many females would. She speaks softly. Her eyes sparkles, not till the extreme of Twlights though. Her smile depicts a thousand stories. She's strong, she's independent. She's not your typical princess type of girls who just want cash and frame. She's humble. She's not smart, but brilliantly intelligent. She's conservative, she's down to Earth. She treats love with respect and loyalty. She's like one of a kind. And yes, that makes a row of suitors following right behind her, which brings me to the reason why I'm scratching my head in dismay.

Maybe I've been too used to being or getting disappointed, I'm running low in my confidence to go after her. Once again, I'm back in the cycle, the pit of death. I enjoy every minute with her. I enjoy texting with her. I enjoy having lunch and laughing our ass off with her. Everything felt so right, but I don't even know if I could or not.

Love, always being an ass to me, please make this the last time you play a joke on me, with me, about me, even if I crash and burn, okay?