Monday, December 15, 2014

It's been awhile, eh?

Two years, maybe going three, for that I've lost count, lost my count on how long haven't we seem each other ever since we broke up. There's days where I kept imaging the situation we will have when we meet again, there's this part of me that wish it would happen sooner.

Finally, we met again, with the presence of other friends. We didn't talk, not even a friendly eye contact, but who am I to blame, things between us had forbidden us from so, and I don't find it weird or bad. Instead, I understand, and I know just how I should act.

I've been trying to find this one sign that says I'm ready to move on, and I guess I've finally found it, from the day we met again, I come to realise this is all history, and I've wasted too much time walking in the past, when everyone else, including her, are moving forward.

As much as I wanted to, I think it's only right to say, we are all better as strangers that will never enter each another world again, because I'm the guy who always bring bad moments to her, at least that is what she thinks.

I can finally sleep again, peacefully, without a hitch, knowing that those memories are indeed just memories now. Those flashback of us will no longer hurts, those times we had will be history, no longer triggering itself.

For now I can finally put all those cards you wrote me aside, the time had come got a renovation in my heart. I'm finally clearing up, making a vacancy in my heart. It's a good start, though it took me long enough.

It's over. Finally, for me, at least.

Monday, March 31, 2014

How ironic this is, when I'm the only guy who's always around for those who I cared for, to only realise there's none when I needed just someone.

Everyone around me thinks I'm the joker, I'm always funny and would never take things seriously. But as days goes by, they become numb, so numb to the fact that I'm only human. They thought I have no feelings at all, and everyone thinks I'm always happy, someone who will never have a unique set of problems to himself.

Please let me remind you just one last time, but I'm only human.

I was never the preferred kid, home is just a place for me to sleep at night and eat for free. For everything I do its always wrong, for everything else my older sister does, it's always right. I come home to only hear fights and quarrels. I don't blame for my parents for the biased system, it's only despondent to believe humans are never biased, so I've instead blame my older sister for not being mature despite her age. I'm not someone who always get what I want. I have to beg for a desktop for six years before my mum decide to build one instead of buying those branded ones, and it's all because my sister can't stand my nagging anymore that she request my mum for one. Yes, my sister again. I'll probably never get what I wanted if she shuts the fuck up that time round. Still, I don't thank her for that. I work months for my first laptop for Polytechnic life, to only come home getting scolded by my parents for wasting money. They demand for me to pay them back with all that I've earned. Of course, I don't give a shit about it.

I was never the kid who had all the flashy clothes and branded stuffs. Going out was never fun because I don't usually have the right clothes to wear. I don't club, don't drink, don't walk the streets then claims that I've got life. I stayed home, procrastinate and think about what's life in the other side. I was never the apple of anyone's eye.
I'm never blunt, I'm always afraid how people will react when you show them the hard truth. I prefer making my words easier to digest. In turns, I'm always caught in between fights and stuffs, making myself one of the reason for whatever that is happening when I'm always the innocent one. Supposed to be the innocent one.

My first love was a screwed up. But I never blamed myself for what I've done because nobody taught me what to do when it comes to love. Similarly I don't blame her. I truly agree it's about the experience you learnt from your falls. I thought giving my everything was compulsory.  I gave her my whole life. I thought time is what that either make or break us. I gave her all my time. I thought giving in will always do good. I tried playing the nice guy I never was. But everything changed because of one simple event. I have holes in my lungs. I never knew how to tell her, she was having her exams. I chose to wait for her to be at least free from her mind first. But I subconsciously demanded more time from her because I was afraid, and that built on her stress. Eventually, she went with someone else before I could break the truth. She was happy knowing there's someone else who love her. I was here wondering what have I done, in tears. She's enjoying the warmth of a new love, I replay the scene when we broke up every night before I sleep. She proudly introduce the new boy to everyone, I ask myself what have I done wrong I was only thinking for her all the time. I tried closing my eyes to sleep without a single thoughts of her, but the fact that they already knew each other before we break reminds me I'm such a loser. I gave up all my friends just for her, she gave me up for her new world. She said I was never the right one. But she didn't know she was my right one. Everything about her becomes a nightmare. I found myself gluing my eyes at her place everything I go pass the same street, with that bridge but she's already out of reach. It's been a year, going two, but everything about her still stays in my mind, knowing we are over is the sad hard truth. Her number, her smile,  her address, her eyes, her birthday date, the first time we met, the chase for her, the way she plays serious badminton, the nights she burnt to study, the date we got together, her birthday celebration, the first month she woke up late for, the cards she wrote, the way she calls me, those phone calls, those texts, the way she yearn for your attention, the way she concentrate when doing her work, the days she just wanted to be alone, her dreams, her wish of going MIA for a while to just take photos all around the world, how much she want to fly oversea, her lips, her hugs when we finally met after a week of distance, and of course, her face when she say we are over, her eyes when she blames that my presence always bring bad things to her. Tonight I'll try to fall asleep without thinking of her, but the scene when she close her gate saying let's break will only replay like a broken recorder.

Friends around me are all busy with their life, I understand that for when we grow old, we path the path and take the road to where we want. I cherish this one group of friends who we have been through thick and thin. They are the guys who stand by my down, these are the guys I would take a bullet for. But everyone is so busy with their life no one seems to realise I need ears at times too. I tried so hard trying to connect myself to them, but I guess it's only late that I've realise we are of different medium. I don't understand why I felt stress around them. It totally defeat the meaning of friends. Maybe I've think too much, but friends, seriously nobody cares about me, or what's going on with me. I'm like your daily joke, you guys always think I'm cool, I'm like your safely net that you guys always dissed at. Honestly, I'm human too. I just don't like conflicts, I chose to keep quiet most of the time. So what if I voice out? The same shit will happen again sooner or later. If we are indeed of different medium then I'm sorry, but friends trust me when I say I'll take a bullet for each and every one of you.

I've got so much things in me but I have nowhere to share or to even throw, because everyone thinks I'm the one guy with no problems. So tonight, I wrote them all down to ease the pain, unchained this train of brainy stain, and how I wish I can end my life down, flushing everything down the fucking drain.
Goodnight world

Sunday, March 9, 2014

#0112 Never be afraid of shadows, they are there to remind you there's light.

 I know, it's like final-fucking-ly I'm back here blogging. Guess I realise it's time for me to talk to myself again on this platform.

Life have been real hectic, I hardly got time to even breath for these few months. But on a brighter note, at least I'm always doing something helpful or meaningful, rather than wasting time away, hoping for someone to give me clues on what's next for me.

Life in the army will soon be over, but honestly, being able to get to my 'Operationally-ready Date', otherwise known as 'ORD', is over-rated. I mean, yes you get your freedom back, so does your stress and responsibility. I have been listening to some of my friends' advise to look and plan for what to do before I leave the force, and I guess most of your friends would had told you the same. True enough, it's kind of hard to plan for what you want when you need it. Though I have another ten more months to go, I guess it's only right to start thinking now.

I can't believe the fact that I'm turning twenty three this year September. Those time when I was only eighteen and thinking I'm still young as fuck was only like yesterday. We don't usually think about how life would really be in the future when we are still teenagers because we got have any clues. Now, all I can say about going in to the big world is, dreams are dreams, they ain't reality unless you want them to.

Was talking about how fragile life is a few days ago with some of my best bros from secondary school. It's kind of sucky that people grow old and die. And the funny thing is, we don't seems to be concern or be afraid that we will actually stop breathing, when we are young.

People are dying everywhere all the world all the time. I do wonder when is it going to be my turn.

Just some questions for the readers, if you have a choice to choose how old can you live till, what will be your choice?

Shit, I'm really getting old.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

#0330 Keep your head held high, heaven's easier and better to see that way.

I bet everyone have that one rich love experience that's different from one another. You know, those days you spent chasing after someone tike really like, getting into your first love, first breakup, and of course, the subsequently relationships. Feeling rather talkative about this, allow myself to share mine.

At times I do wonder, why does things have to be like this all the time. Honestly speaking, I'm a little tired taking the toll from love. It's like, every time when my heart decided to like someone truly, which simply means it's kick-ass real shit, not just another infatuation, the way things are always sucks, it goes the same way when things end. I mean, I don't easily drop into the infatuation zone anyway. It's not like I'm going around hunting for love with a shotgun or what, firing at will, hoping for an easy prey. But still, every single time, I'll just drop into the pit of death, often finding myself liking problematic girls, or someone who you just feel impossible to be with.

Still remembering the first girl I liked back in primary school, it was a heavy stretch of six years. Holy shit, six fucking years liking someone who don't even know it would recognize my existence. Of course, I was friendzoned. But still, that girl back then was like the idol for myself. Beautiful, even till now, mature, smart and a cheerful smile you can't easily find, she was the first girl in Earth I'll stare for days without getting bored, or extremely, blink. Maybe because I have a thing for smart girls, where actually smart does not means academically wise though, she's was the one who first gave me that feeling of liking someone genuinely. She was one of the popular kids in school,while I was just another fatboy, with little friends, it was a total one sided kind of shit. Many chose their secondary school for its reputation or cut off points while me, I chose what she would. I still remembered we were pen pal for a few months and I swear it was sweet.

So practically for my primary school period, I spent the whole lot time of it liking just one girl. Devoted yeah? Oops.

Came along secondary school, saying goodbye to my first crush was hard, not till I met the next one, which sadly, I liked for another six more years. She was cute, and definitely smart. Big eyes, cute face and a sweet voice, she's like that perfect girl I must have a crush on. But like how it usually goes for myself, its practically an one sided kind of crush, yes I know, again. Thinking back from now, she was by far the hardest to forget, probably because the liking was the strongest. I mean, yeah I liked her so much I did lots of stupid stuffs. My life was revolving around her, just her. Although she changed quite a number of boyfriends during this long course of six years, my decision did not change a single bit. Knowing that I liked her, we became more like friends than anything else. Yeah, I swear she was the hardest to forget, or to at least learn to give up.

Another six years, bringing to my polytechnic life.

Started working for quite some time back while studying in Republic Polytechnic, I found myself working the longest at Night Safari, where I met my first love. We wasn't really close friends, but things started building it's way, with a little help from my friend, I was the happiest man on Earth when she said yes to going steady with me We had a lot of problems at the start, but I bet it was sweet, at least for me. But still, we broke up, mostly because of my fault. I was too controlling, I didn't gave her enough space to even breath. I was an ass, always quarreling with her. Though she already found another guy while still being with me, hiding it from me, I don't blame her for that. I blame myself for being too naive to had love her too much till I was blind. Breaking up just days before my birthday, getting into a new relationship not long later was the best wake up call I can get. For those who been through the same thing, I bet and agree that heartbreak was by far the worst. It's like your world getting split apart. We ain't supposed to be together, it was a completely waste of my time and I bet she felt the same. Nevertheless, she was the first girl I gave my whole heart and soul to. I gave up smoking for her, I lost all my friends in the mist of being with her. Still, yes, I love her, for what we had, not those of I still miss her or what.

A few months later, which bring us to now, I've met the current one that I like. I thought I would never feel this way in a long time to come. Again, it's another smart woman.

She drives, she play pool and play it excellently. She's motivated to conquer things not many females would. She speaks softly. Her eyes sparkles, not till the extreme of Twlights though. Her smile depicts a thousand stories. She's strong, she's independent. She's not your typical princess type of girls who just want cash and frame. She's humble. She's not smart, but brilliantly intelligent. She's conservative, she's down to Earth. She treats love with respect and loyalty. She's like one of a kind. And yes, that makes a row of suitors following right behind her, which brings me to the reason why I'm scratching my head in dismay.

Maybe I've been too used to being or getting disappointed, I'm running low in my confidence to go after her. Once again, I'm back in the cycle, the pit of death. I enjoy every minute with her. I enjoy texting with her. I enjoy having lunch and laughing our ass off with her. Everything felt so right, but I don't even know if I could or not.

Love, always being an ass to me, please make this the last time you play a joke on me, with me, about me, even if I crash and burn, okay?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

#1143 This world is like this, it's easy to find someone you like, but it's hard to find someone you like that likes you too. 

也因为如此,我了解那一种想说又说不出的心酸. 我知道要你忘了他是一件在短期里不可能做得到的事情, 可是请你明白, 一个好笑的笑话,听久了会越来越不好笑. 同样的, 一件伤心的事也不应该让你伤心太久.

有时侯, 我觉得知己很可笑. 明明知道你的身边已经有了很多可以帮你度过难关, 也可以让你开怀大笑的好朋友, 我还不知量力的想为你做些什么. 我想, 我也知道, 要追求你的男生有很多, 条件超好的也不少. 看看我自己, 有时还瞒觉得我有点白痴, 评什么要和他们比, 又能评什么让你发现我的存在?

我也任命了. 可能属于我的天使在来找我的路上被巴士撞到了吧.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

#1355 Difficulties are just excuses, if you want it really badly. 

Thank you, my friends, for what you have done for me. Never did I expect what I could have did. If I could have a choice, I'll still choose to be at where I was, Cougar Coy, awesome platoon one.

Special thanks to a bunch of wonderful fellow soldiers who made everything possible;
Amani, Manogaram, Lim Deyun, Feerdaus, Lawrence Aw, Nur Mohammad, Jeeva, Edger Zhang, Tee Minghui, Hamid, Hidayat, Syazwan, Sean Chan, Dzurraihan, Roy Bahraj, Goh Ghimguan, Zaid, Dinie, Zailan, Ang Boonhuat,  Zhiyang, Nishanth, Tan Huiguang, Nizam, Ricky Soh, Azmi, Kumaresan, Gethin, Syafiq, Elwyn Ong, Ashraaf, Sufi, Michael Ong, Tan Jianying.

Special thanks to the leading commanders of Cougar Coy who taught us everything they could;
Captain Joseph Francis, Lieutenant Firdaus, Lieutenant Keanan, Lieutenant Faiz, 2nd Lieutenant Sunxiong, 2nd Lieutenant Shiva, 2nd Lieutenant Bryan, 2nd Lieutenant Fang, Master Sergeant Poh, 2nd Sergeant Huzaifah, 2nd Sergeant Chris, 3rd Sergeant Faiz, 3rd Sergeant Andrew, 2nd Sergeant Mingyang, 3rd Sergeant Kris, 3rd Sergeant Amos, 2nd Sergeant Setiawan, 2nd Sergeant Nasri.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

#1137 If we fail to discipline ourselves, the world will have to do it for us.

9 more weeks to 'Passing Out Parade', also known to many as 'POP'. Never knew time would had fly at such a fast rate.

Always booking out late, I'm starting to hate the thoughts that my freedom is limited and tied. Ain't trying to be the best, I just want to survive this massacre.

Never stop till the end.